So I made this blog, last night. I decided to type my personal thoughts and feelings here once in a while when I feel like typing it out… I’m not sure who out there will be reading my posts, but I think I’d be much happier if I could record my thoughts somewhere that I’d like them to be. I was tired of LiveJournal and Myspace– and somehow, this seemed a bit more comforting. This blog probably won’t run on any schedule… and it won’t be strictly an anime blog, either. I’ll share my interests, what I’ve been watching, playing, reading… etc… but from here on, it’s pretty much my journal.
I’m not going to make an introduction– I’ll just start off with my feelings from today.
Yesterday, my Onii-chan (He is actually my boyfriend, but I will refer to him as Onii-chan, Aniki, or Ani.) left for Boston, to visit his relatives for an entire week. I miss him very much… and I haven’t stopped thinking about him. I tell people that I’m okay, but everyone worries, nonetheless. Though I am sad that he is not here… I am more happy to know that he’s safe, and I hope he is having fun where he is. He and I are barely seperated, so this is a big deal. Many people have told me, “It’s only a week…” but somehow, a week sounds like a very long time when Onii-chan isn’t around. I’ll be okay, though. I am very excited to have him return! I want to ready a gift for him before he does– I hope I find something good.
I haven’t seen him for only 2 days… The night before he left, me and some friends were wishing him a safe trip, and a good-bye followed. We took him out to dinner in a nice restaurant, then spent some time at my house. It was the last time I saw him before he left– I wish we had more time to spend together. I’m a bit sad that I can’t see him, and that we can’t talk as much as we normally do due to his lack of internet connection… but knowing that he’ll be able to talk to me a bit, tomorrow, cheers me up a lot.
I don’t think I’d be as capable of handling him being away, without my friends. If I hadn’t known that Mikey would be there to talk to, as always, I’d probably wouldn’t be able to take the lonliness and greif. Mikey is always able to cheer me up, somehow, and we get along very well. Our friendship is very odd, and I never really expected it to turn out the way it did, but I’m happy. He’s very close to me, to whatever extent possible, since we have not really seen each other in person for more than 10 minutes, but somehow that and talking to him online is enough to fuel our friendship. I’m also glad that I have Andrew and Brandon around– though I don’t feel comfortable being with Brandon, alone, having them both as company is always something that normally makes me feel a lot less lonely.
One of my most least favorite feelings is being lonely, next to feeling useless, unwanted, or bored. Lonliness has always been something that has kept me at the bottom, but recently, I’ve been becoming less concious of my emotions. Though they’re present, I’m having a harder and harder time recognizing them, feeling them, expressing them, and understanding them. Sometimes I wonder to myself whether or not I should be feeling something, but most of the time, I feel too apathetic to even think about anything. But it’s awfully hard to explain, as it is very apparent that emotions are present.
I miss my Onii-chan. That sparks many emotions, but at the same time, I’m confused about the lack of emotion that I should be having. I feel lonely, and sad… but not as much as I should be. I’m not completely dejected, even though I prefer him to be around. It’s more like… a thought, of how much better it would be if he was here, but I’m not sad. It’s a very odd feeling– to think that you should be sadder than you actually are. All I really want is to be able to love him, be loyal to him, talk to him… and I can do all those things, even though he is away on vacation, and because those things aren’t missing, and because those things are still able to brighten up my day, I can’t be sad. He wouldn’t want me to be, anyway.
Knowing Aniki, he would rather to know that I am happy and smiling.
Knowing my friends, they would want the same of me, as well.
I hope he has having a very fun trip, though. I think about him when I’m at work, with my friends, before I sleep… but it’s not in a completely unhealthy way, where I cannot do anything else… but being reminded of those sorts of things helps me keep going. Thinking about him lets me go on with my day and do things well. Thoughts about him help me keep smiling, having fun with my friends, and doing things I like.
So, even though he is so far away… he still manages to keep me so happy. My Onii-chan is amazing.
